In my "previous life," I was a music teacher. All but one year of my 10 year career was in an elementary setting. Some schools were K-8th grade, and others were K-5th grade. So, trust me, I know kids! I know that fingers will ALWAYS find a path to the nose...I know that rocks sometimes substitute as a snack...I've learned that given the opportunity, even a 5 year old can outsmart a rocket scientist.
In 10 years of teaching, I've learned many ways to pacify unruly children. I've learned to assist in negotiation with child combatants so that within 5 minutes they will again be friends, and thus cause more problems for the teacher than for each other.
As I watch and hear the news on the "Debt Ceiling," I've been cursed with "flashbacks" to my teaching days. I see "children," (i.e. Government Officials) who would rather resort to name calling than to cooperation. I see those same "children" whining that they aren't getting their way. (As an aside, the 11th Commandment in my classroom was "Thou Shalt Not Whine! - I even had a framed picture saying that). And, those "children" then go get their friends (i.e. party members) to jump on the bandwagon to keep the fight going. These "children" are good at finger pointing and the "he started it" mentality.
So, as a good American, I am offering my talents and service to help the Government get back to work. I'm calling this a "Federal Government Kindergarten Revisitation." As my duty as an American, I am offering to allow ALL Federal Government officials to come to my ad hoc classroom.
The Government Officials will re-assume their 5 year old lives and review all the essentials of Kindergarten. The curriculum will be as follows:
1. Playing Nice with Everyone- We'll use play-dough, crayons, dolls, and other toys. Throughout this "free play" period, I will intervene when conflicts arise and reteach acceptable behaviors. When John says "Barack" took all the green paint, I will teach Barak that taking the green paint that John was using isn't nice, and we'll work on using words like "please," "thank-you," and "I'm sorry."
2. Sticks and Stones Do Break Bones, but Names Still Hurt- Using a chart on the chalk board, we will brainstorm acceptable and not acceptable names to call each other. When name calling begins, again I will intervene in a loving way redirecting the student to use appropriate language and teach how to express anger in an appropriate way. When Barack says that John called him a doo-doo head, after convincing Barack that his head is in fact NOT made of doo-doo, I will tell John that his name calling hurts and he should only use appropriate words.
3. Sharing- Sharing is best learned through play and it is the first step to compromising. We will learn to share toys, snacks, and ideas. We will face "Real Life" scenarios such as the following: There are 2 students, but one baseball...Who gets to play with it? Through guided practice, the students will realize the baseball is more fun when everyone can have a turn with it, and then I will teach them that by playing together, everyone wins.
4. Responsibility- Students will be given chores in the classroom. Cleaning the classroom pet, sweeping up after snack time, and working together to perform their elected duties.
When issues become tense, the students will be warned. If that does not work, they will receive a "time-out," and in order to diffuse many situations, there will be mandatory nap time after lunch.
So, President Obama, Rep. Boehner and all other government officials, this offer remains open. I know that with some practice we can make you into the "best you that you can be!" Oh yeah, and you'll also learn how to DO YOUR JOB...I mean if the rest of us "worked" like they're "working," we'd be fired...but that's a whole different story.
