Funny E Mail Forwards

Cleaning out some of our old paperwork, my wife found print-outs of old e mail forwards.  She gave them to me and then listened to my laughing (sometimes hysterically) for the next half hour.  Here are of them.  IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, FIND ONE, OR DON'T READ.

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
* At your lunch break, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at oncoming cars....see if they slow down.
*Page yourself over the Intercom...Don't Disguise your voice.
*(My Personal Favorite)- Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
*As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
*Sing along at the opera.
*5 days in advance, tell your friend you can't attend his/her party because you're not in the mood.
*Make your co-workers address you by your professional wrestling name: "Rock Bottom."
*When money comes out of the ATM, start screaming "I Won! I Won!"
*(You have to have a sense of humor for this one)  At dinner, tell your children, "Due to the downturn in the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
"Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share"
"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
'Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"All Cats Go to Hell"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly"
"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"
"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"
"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"
"You Were an Accident"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan"
"Your Nightmares Are Real"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

Redneck Haiku

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.

Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.

A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.

In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.

Distant siren screams.
Idiot Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.

Flashlights pierce darkness.
No nightcrawlers to be found.
Guess we'll gig some frogs.

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood.
I hate Jeff Gordon.

Tonight we hunger.
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart.

Set the VCR:
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.