It seems they don't call anymore. Or maybe I just don't answer as often because I have caller ID. They're my long lost friends....telemarketers.
Like most people, I used to be annoyed when they'd call. I'd just hang up on them and feel some sort of resentment because they took me away from something important...like watching TV. Then, I decided to "befriend" these marketing geniuses. I decided that hanging up on them was a wasted opportunity for my own self-entertainment.
It started innocently. I'd ask some questions that really had nothing to do with what they were selling, or I'd give sarcastic comments, but finally, I realized I could have a lot of "real" fun with them.
It all started with a call from an unnamed company trying to sell me insurance on a credit card I had for their store. Part of the deal was that if I would take the "free trial" of the insurance for 30 days, I would get a free watch. A free watch???? woo hoo!!! There was my way in! As the telemarketer was telling me all about the insurance, I would interrupt him by asking about the watch. What color was it? Did it have a metal band? A plastic band? Was it digital? Did it have hands? Did it tell the date? The marketer was getting obviously upset with my questions, but he answered every one of them, albeit begrudgingly. He only lost his composure somewhat when I asked if he could just send me the watch and I'd cancel the insurance now. That wasn't an option, he told me. Finally I agreed, but I wanted that watch shipped as quickly as possible. I never got that watch....and I didn't get the insurance either.
Another time, a telemarketer called for my wife. She didn't enjoy talking to them as much as I did, so I took this one. The lady asked for my wife (who was sitting on the couch). Deciding on what character to play, I was silent for a moment. Then, I used my silence as my tool. The lady asked for my wife again, and I started breathing heavily feigning a nervous condition. "Can I talk to your wife?" she asked for the third time...."You could," I answered (sounding upset), "if she didn't just run off with another man." Then I faked the character of a person trying to hold back the tears but not being too successful. I got an "I'm so sorry" from my new friend before she tried to hold her laughter as I sat silently on the phone. We had about 10 seconds of silence before she told me "good-bye."
Another time, I got a call in the middle of supper. Trust me...DO NOT interrupt my eating! I wasn't in the mood to talk, so I was going to hang up...but then my better self kicked in. I don't remember what she was selling. "I'm eating right now," I told her, "and then I have some things to do, but if you give me your home number, I'll call you later and let you know if I want" whatever the product was. Didn't go over too well. She kept telling me she wanted to call back at a more convenient time, but I insisted I'd call her at home. I think that was the first telemarketer to hang up on me!
My favorite was when a security company called and wanted to install a security system. I faked a low quality (but believable - at least by this man) voice of an old woman. I pretended to be the housekeeper. "A security system? How would I get in?" He told me there would be a code. "You mean all I have to do is say the code?" No...I'd have to type it in. "You mean it won't recognize who I am?" No...they don't work that way. The conversation progressed. He told me that if they moved, they could take the service with them at no charge. "They're moving? How will I make a living? Where did you hear they're moving?" He told me he didn't know them and didn't know if they were moving or not...it was just a service offered by the company. It would protect their valuables like money and jewelry. "But the husband doesn't wear jewelry...he won't even wear his wedding ring." That's interesting, the man told the "lady." "Are you married?" my other personality asked. He told me he has a girlfriend. "You sound like such a nice young man...and very handsome...you should propose!" The conversation started to wind down. But, I like to think that some good came out of my fun. Maybe they're married with 2.5 children living in a house with a white picket fence. Just maybe.........
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