Facing my Fears

Being new to the ministry, one of the hardest realities I've had to deal with is death.  Thankfully, except in one case, the people who have died lived full lives.  In the other one, it was after a long battle with cancer.

Coming into the ministry, death scared me.  I didn't like to be around dead bodies.  I didn't want to think about my own death.  I hated when healthy people would openly talk about their own death.

I guess this year, I've gone through a "baptism by fire."  As pastor, one of my major jobs is to be present in all stages of the dying process.  To be honest, I still don't like it and I'm not completely comfortable, but I've come to accept it.  I don't fear it anymore.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not ready to talk about my own death...I'd like to hang around for quit a few more years, but being around death isn't as scary.

I've realized my fear is based on doubt.  What if I'm wrong about all this "God stuff?"  That's the central question.  Then I came across a summary of a theologian (Kierkegard) who said something to the effect that we can't have faith if we don't also doubt it.  In order to believe something, you also have to question it.  I would think that even the person who has the strongest faith at times doubts it, or at least doubts part of it.

The more I've been around the dying, I've been forced to face my fears.  I've come to accept that death is not to be feared nor embraced, but accepted.  Death is not the end, but just another chapter.  The dead person lives on in those whom he/she has touched, and his/her spirit lives eternally with or without God depending on whether the person accepted God's love or not.

The medical community (and probably because of law suits) work so hard to keep a person alive despite their quality of life.  We can't blame them...that's their job.  But I wish they also as an institution would know when to let a person die with dignity.  Merely keeping a person alive with a heart beat and breath assisted by a machine is not life.  But, as I said, we can't blame them.  Families want their loved one for "just another day."  Some people just can't say "good-bye."  I believe that is a sign of our culture.

We put so much reliance on ourselves that we put none on a higher power who just may know more than we do.  Yes, death is sad, and mourning is acceptable.  Tragic deaths are horrible.  But, when life has left a person, we as a society need to come to the acceptance that the person should be allowed to return to the Maker.

We will continue to doubt, but that doubt is also a sign of our belief.  To put it simplistically, how many times have you checked to make sure you turned off the stove or a light when you know full well that you did.  After packing bags for a trip, how many times do we re-check to see if we brought our toothbrush or comb?

I still don't like death, but I'm learning to accept it.  I don't think anyone "likes" death, but we must learn that it's just a stage of life.