For years, I was (and still am) an unashamed "King of the Hill" fanatic! That show was so great that I don't even recognize the last 2 seasons as part of the "cannon" of the episodes that make up "King of the Hill." OK, you don't care. Why do I even mention this? Well, obviously (to me at least) because of the botched paraphrase in the title of this blog post. On the occasion of their anniversary (before they went sky-diving and Peggy ended up in a full body cast), Hank made a video proclaiming how many years of "excellent service" their marriage had lasted.
So, I write this on the occasion of my 10th anniversary to my wife. Sometimes when introducing her to others, I refer to her as my "first wife" (I don't want her getting "too comfortable" after all). And last year, after being married 9 years, I told people that we were celebrating 4 happy years of marriage....4 happy hears, but 9 total years.
I'm sure by now, you think I sound cruel and insensitive. And it's with that image that I actually want to start. By nature, I'm anything BUT cruel and anything BUT insensitive. I have a VERY strange sense of humor and I love sarcasm - whether I use it or if it's use on me! Even being the nice sensitive guy I am (awwwww), it takes a special person to befriend me for long periods, much less a very special person to commit to marrying me!
But marry me, she did...10 years ago today. Two states later, two careers later (for both of us), four houses/apartments later, and two children later, I can remember that day as if it were yesterday. I realize people always say that, but I truly mean it. We've gone through our ups and our downs, but through these 10 years, there has never been a doubt that we wouldn't hold on. We've argued, we've disagreed, we've said mean things to each other, we've been spiteful, but nothing that has ever lasted longer than half of a day - 1 day tops.
It's not a perfect marriage. I've punched her a few times. BEFORE you call the police, let me explain. I sometimes have vivid nightmares and cannot wake myself up. I'm usually being chased by someone or something. I begin with heavy breathing - If she can catch me in this stage and wake me up, she's safe. If she sleeps through that, I usually get to where I start screaming and thrashing to escape whatever is chasing me in my nightmare. On more than one occasion, the thrashing has hit her in the face. She has her faults too. "Where would you like to eat?" I may ask her. Rarely do I get a decision in what I consider a reasonable amount of time.
Rather than give you all the intimate details about our marriage, I'd rather discuss marriage in general. What makes marriages work? What makes them fall apart? Where does God come in? Is there such a thing as a God-made marriage?
I will be the first to say that I do not believe that God sends the perfect person for us to marry. I do believe that God may put a thought in our mind that we should take notice of someone, but it is up to us to act upon that thought. I also believe God does not make our marriages work. That's our job. In our marriage vows, WE take an oath before GOD. GOD does NOT take an oath before US. Having said that, if we live our lives in faith, God will convict us when we are wrong, remind us to do right, and guide us along to a successful marriage, BUT, it is our job to listen.
Our nation has somewhere around a 50% divorce rate - and the number of Christians who get divorced is in that range too. While Jesus does have harsh words about divorce, he has stronger words about forgiveness. That, of course, does not condone divorce, and by all means, we should try to make our marriages last and divorce should be a last resort, but divorce is also not the unforgivable sin. Divorce is also not a casual solution.
Let's face it. When people decide to get married, God is not exactly the first thing on their minds. If I have to explain what is on their minds, send me a private e mail...I try to keep things G Rated (PG at the worst). Even when my wife and I decided to get married, though we were both Christians, we took that part of our lives for granted. We were too excited to have the perfect house, the perfect life together, and so on. Even the pastoral marriage counseling went in one ear and out the other. We'd agree to pretty much anything.
As a pastor, because of my own experience, I used to devalue marriage counseling thinking it's the couple's oath before God, and I'm just the "middleman." But, after more and more thought and prayer, I've realized that I'm not the "middleman," I'm the "stand-in" for God. That's not being arrogant, but rather meaning that the couple would be saying their vows to God through me. My role as pastor has been taken up quite a few notches! Because of that, I at least need to let the couple know what they are getting into!
After 10 years, we've come to realize that I'm a night person who can stay up all night but hates mornings. My wife loves mornings and is just a little too perky for my liking. Every Summer we have the Epic Air Conditioner Battles - sure, that seems minor, but there IS a major difference between 77 and 76 degrees! Every Winter, we have the same battle with the heat! On long trips, it took us 9 years to decide who the main driver would be (despite stereotypical gender roles, she is the driver - I HATE driving for long periods). Most of the time I do the cooking if it's something that needs prepared. If it's something that just needs heated up, she'll handle it. I mow the lawn, she handles the weeds.
Those issues may seem small, but to some couples (and even to us for a while) they were major issues! There are still gender stereotypes that people feel they "have to fill." But, after trying to watch me put together an entertainment center for 10 minutes, we realized that a hammer should never again touch my hands. In the same way, watching her peel potatoes goes about as fast as watching grass grow.
Marriages are not made in Heaven. Mine was not. But, it is headed there. Yes, God says it is different in Heaven. Jesus didn't give details. But just because God does not make a perfect marriage does not mean that God does not give people the tools to have a good marriage - all you have to do is ask for them and pay attention when they come!
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