The Most Perfect Man in the World

Why would I write a satire piece about President Paul Kagame during Congo Week? President Kagame is singlehandedly responsible for the most suffering in the DRC in the past 19 years through orders he has given. Yes, it is true that there are other factions and militias in the DRC that rein havoc on the people of the DRC, but President Kagame is Terrorist #1 (at least for the past 19 years). This is not my opinion – this is documented fact. To find some of the documents that attest to this, please click THIS LINK.

Paul Kagame is no ordinary president. Most presidents are human and subject to human flaws. Such is not the case with Kagame. He literally cannot make a mistake! He is the most perfect man in the world!

Global leaders yearn for approval rankings that even approach his. Of course, such feats can only be attained by statistical manipulation or voter fraud in any other nation. But not in Paul Kagame’s Rwanda! He truly has the love and support of his people! Who else wins free and fair elections with over 90% of the vote?

Not only do his people love him, but the world community also loves him. They love him so much that some nation in the world hosts “Rwanda Day” each year. Is there a “Sweden Day?” Is there a “Croatia Day?” Of course not – those nations are mere peasants compared to Kagame’s Rwanda! Nations bow down to Kagame’s Rwanda so that he can show off his accomplishments and we can all marvel and hope to become the nation that he models.

In fact, let’s separate Kagame from Rwanda. These “Rwanda Day” celebrations are not about Rwanda. They are about their superhuman leader – President Paul Kagame! They should be called “Kagame Day!” The man (if I dare call him a mere mortal) is flawless! In these celebrations, audience members shower Kagame with his well-deserved praise! Let me hereby propose “Kagame Week!”

Let us reset our outdated calendar that is based on the birth of Jesus Christ and instead base it off of the birth of President Kagame! Forever, the former October 23 shall be our New Year’s Day – Kagame’s Birthday! October 23, 2013 shall be Day 1 of the Year 56!

What other president can literally spank government employees in his office as a form of discipline? Who else can an illegal militia in plain sight and deny responsibility, and then have people actually believe it? Who else can start two Congo Wars leading to the deaths of over 6 Million people and still be hailed as a hero? Who else can then say he had nothing to do with starting the wars in the Congo? Who else can terrorize his neighbors the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) and exploit its minerals and then in turn be commended for his ethical leadership? Who else can torture opponents and then have world leaders such as Bill Clinton and Tony Blair sing his praises? Who else can lead a silent genocide in the DRC and face no consequences? Who else can have Megachurch pastor Rick Warren claim that he is blessed by God as a leader even after his genocidal crimes?

What’s next for Kagame? Will he walk on water? Will he raise the dead? Is he divine? He would certainly have us think so!